I finished this book today. Honestly, legit honestly, it was a bit boring. I liked the essays with lived experiences from prisoners, and I liked the interview with miss Major, but other than that it felt extremely repetitive.
It did inspire me to maybe participate in Portland's letter writing campaign with prisoners. I initially signed up for it during the George Floyd protests and never got around to it. But after reading this book I can see how writing a letter would be beneficial, and could positively impact the mental health of someone who is incarcerated.
I’ve been locked up in a box before- it was just the psych ward, so I won’t pontificate about my sorrows, but it did give me new appreciation for people who are incarcerated. I don’t know how they manage with their mentally sanity in tact. I was held up for a week maybe and I already felt batshit crazy. I can’t imagine how people get through their prison sentences.
I also loved this quote:
"Memory, as we know it, is not to be relied upon; Memory always indexes a loss". This is a quote by Kamala Visweswaran. The book uses it to describe an inmate R's perspective on the truth, saying for R, truth resides somewhere in the space between the happened and the did not happen".
I liked thinking of memory in this way. I am often struck, as I get older, by how differently I remember life to how it actually occurred. This is never more obvious to me than when I read through my old journals.
Anyway. This week has been decent. I’ve started running again, I’ll definitely blog that in the future. I finished my reading goal of 24 books for last year! That is the first time I've ever reached my goal. This year my goal is to read 30 books.
I don't know what this blog space is supposed to be. Just me rambling? I still hate art. I don't know if I told you that. Every time I hate art I start to think that I should be a writer instead. So I go through a spree of reading a bunch.
I also watched tales from Earthsea, the Miyazaki film. I had read some negative reviews beforehand and I must admit I agree. The plot was completely disjointed. I didn't understand why he killed his father so randomly. The dragons also felt random. I did like the element of knowing someone's true name as part of the magic system. I thought that was cool. And I thought Aron had a certain badass quality to him. Kills his father then runs away? Kid has guts. I also didn't like how sparrow hawk's intentions were smeared by the evil sorcerer, and we never really got confirmation that actually he's still a good guy.
This was a part of the OMSI Miyazaki film festival. I like OMSI, it reminds me of when I was younger and still competent at science. That's the thing about me. I was a STEM nerd way before any of you. And I was consistently good at it until I got to college physics. Then the wind was taken from my sails and I decided I should do something easy, like art. I try and tell myself if I had wanted to I could have done well. Science says I'm smart, that smartness is a learned trait. And I do have a growth mindset.
I have been struggling a lot lately with my art. How is it possible to completely lose interest in something I used to be so passionate about? I majored in art thinking I would be an artist. Maybe it's because I have a hard time believing in the type of art I want to create, that it can bring about any good in the world. I just don't see how paintings are going to help anyone.
But I could see a world where stories help us, where fiction and poetry save the day. And that's why I want to be a writer. I feel like I could actually change something with writing.
What is talent, really, when we can't choose it? What is talent without passion? If only I was passionate about art like I am about running. Then I'd be something special.
I think a lot about the quote by Octavia Butler. "Want something, truly want it as badly as you need air to breath, then unless you die, you will have it"
Love has taught me the true measure of desire. And I realize this desire in part cannot be willed. There is a certain element of destiny, in that we can't choose what we love. We are to a certain extent destined to love the things we love. I wish it weren't that way, but that seems to be how love works. Maybe that's why it feels so cataclysmic when it happens. So this quote is less about willpower, about becoming anything you want, and more about learning to listen to love. You have to be honest with yourself. How badly do you want it? As badly as your own life? Do you reach for it like you reach for air? instinctively?
I write instinctively. More than I draw. It's just a part of how I move through the world. And I still think there is a fundamental part of my creativity that will always be sourced in drawing. But I'm not so sure it's my life passion anymore.
At my grandpa's funeral, someone told me that grandpa always liked to say you should do the things you are good at. On a fundamental level I don't believe this. I think you should do the things you love. I'm not very talented at running. But I love it. And nothing can stop me from running.
I used to love drawing. Now I don't. I can't explain why. Maybe I will try ceramics next?
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